|
At first I loved it
out here, lots of parcs, trees, space, but after that it got boring.
The kids
were all different, I could only speak the dialect that we
spoke in the Heilust, and I missed
my friends. At school I got teased
because I was different, I came from another school, had allready
a "fuck the world" kinda attitude and loved to chase the
girls. So I tried to adapt a lil'and got a few friends that had the
same ideas like me:"PARTY!!". So everything
seemed to have
worked out ok and I should have been happy...
When I was all settled
here, we went on a trip to an amusement parc. On the way back home
my mom and dad were fighting again like always. Well they didn't see
the traffic lights and BOOM!! Life changed... A car rammed us with
90/mph. Nobody was hurt except for my
mom. Here arms were ripped open
by the door, she had many fractures and hella lot pain.
She was trapped
in the damn car and we were just standing there and couldn't do nothing.
I wanted to go to my mom but the cops stopped me, they held me back.
Finally the firemen
came and cut her out of the vehicle. My mom has
spend at that time at least 3 months in the hospital. At home the
entire family fell more apart then that it allready was. From that
time
on I went looking for distraction and started 2go bangin again
with friends. We went out
stealing, dealing, fighting and so on and
so on. On the age of 13 I smoked half a pack a day.
On the age of
14 most of the time I was blazed, one joint after another. With 15
years old I always went back to my old hood, the Heilust... Spending
my time there got even worse,
because here we had a group from about
10 people, over there we had a gang from 50 till 60 members complete
with leaders, grown ups, so a real organisation. At the age of 16
I got
kicked out of my parents house the first time. after two weeks
living with acquaintances (probably wrongly spelled but wtf) I was
allowed to move back in again. I had to visit Matrix (that's an institution
4problemchildren). I went there a few times but I didn't see the use
of it. When I was 17 my marks dropped badly and my behaviour at school
was like they said it, unappropiate and I gave a school like theirs
a bad name. In the mean time my mom was in
the hospital again, the
time I smoked more weed again and was more on my own or with the gang.
When my mom got back from the hospital again she noticed that I'd
changed completely,
she tried to fight it but couldn't handle me anymore
and kicked me out again. This time I
went to the Crisis Centre, where
you can spend the night for ,-. after one week I got home
again and
had to visit a psychologist. I didn't wanna talk about problems because
I can't cry, when I cry I start to get agressive... So I didn't go
anymore. When I was 18 I got bounced
from highschool, the couldn't
cope with me anymore. I threatened the teachers and the
students.
School was gone, so
I had to work. At first I became to work as a movemanager. It was
a
job I really loved. After 6 months my boss offered me a contract.
So I was all happy they
wanted to have me working there and I got
my damn contract... The stupid mothafucka
didn't pay me enough anymore,
my wage had gone down with 300,- per month. At the same moment my
sister tried to commit suicide and my parents forced me to keep on
working, or
else they'd kick may ass out... 2 months I just let it
happen to make sure it wasn't a mistake,
the third time I got my money,
I freaked out. I was all mad and throwing with chairs. The
boss walks
all calm towards me and asks me if I got a cigarette for him... I
was that mad I
said put tha damn cig in ya ass, turned arround, walked
out and never came back. He still
called me 3 times that night to
ask me if I wanted to come back, but I was so pissed at the moment
that I just hung up on him. After 2weaks and being cooled down a lil'I
called him
back, but ofcource he didn't want me anymore...
I got kicked out again
and lived at my aunt now. I got a new job at the factory but didn't
like
it one bit... But still I kept forcing myself to go there allthough
I was devestated (<-- is that
the proper way2spell) I kept on going
and going. I also decided never2go back home,
because they had hurt
me so bad with their coolness and painfull threats they threw at me
like I was a nobody. But after three weeks my mother called ME to
appologise, and asked
me if I wanted to come over to talk about it.
Well that I did and once again I got weak and stayed. Three days later
I was gone again, I felt the same fair, anger and pain again of the
constant yelling fighting and stress. I moved to my biological father.
I never had a real bond
with him, and I hoped with all my heart that
this would be my chance to get2know him...
Well it wasn't, he's still
an alcoholic and still likes to brag about how he physically abuses
the people at the clinic he works at. After a week living there I
got in an accident, my leg
was broken and I couldn't work for 4 and
a half week. In that time my dad opened the newspaper and started
looking to advertisements for appartmens, but we agreed that I
could
live there for about a year, and he couldn't denie that because all
my stuff was at his place... But he still denied that and I ran away
and lived home again. When I called to the factory same day I had2begin
to ask what shift I was in, they told me I didn't have 2come anymore...
Jobless again. Immediately I went to look4a job again (I was AGAIN
afraid 2B kicked out...) and I found a job in the hospital. But the
second day I worked there I also had
to visit the RIAGG (that's where
psychologists, psychiatrists etc. work at here) to visit my psychologist.
After that I had to return to my job but I was still all messed up
by the conversation with the psychologist. Because at that time we
seriously were talkin about that working wasn't at all good4me but
to keep a roof above my head, it was better to keep on
going. But
she called my mom and explained her the situation... When I came home
I had
runnaway from my job again and was expecting to get kicked out
again. But finally that
didn't happen, my mom closed me in her arms
and said she was so sorry for chasing me
arround with jobs. And now
I'm still living home and having my sessions at the
psychologist...
I don't do drugs anymore, don't go stealing anymore, keep away from
friends
for now and don't work at the moment and try to change my
lifestyle, get an education and
hope that one day I can move on without
fear...
|
